if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
