4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
