well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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