eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
