I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
