I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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