my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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