If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
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so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
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my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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