you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
two words: eviction party
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
