I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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