The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
