your parents love me but you hate me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
