I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
