I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
