You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
