Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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