I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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