im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
