Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
