Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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