my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
