it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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