so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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