And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
