farters have to be the big spoon...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize
