Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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