About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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