1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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