You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
