she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
