I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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