Screwed.edu
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
