I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Pants are for mortals
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
