Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
