Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
