Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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