Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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