There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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