You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
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Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
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Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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