maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
