I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
