he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
