I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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