hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
