i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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