sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We need a shit load of segways right now
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
