i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
