i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
