Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
well you can't waste a boner
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize
