i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize