for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
