Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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