Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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