My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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