whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
