i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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