peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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