Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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