cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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