dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm passing your future prison.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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