i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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