do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
